Someone had asked me how my son’s appointment had gone for his legs..
..it had NOT gone well.. not even close to well… and I could no longer hold my fears in.. or my sorrow ..
I am a cry-er.. I am not a loud cry-er .. ha.. but neither am I a pretty cry-er .. I do think that I have cried enough tears (in my lifetime) to fill Lake Michigan. Tears of disappointment, tears of sadness.. tear of joy .. and worry.. and often anger..
But in that moment?
In that moment.. I felt so many emotions I couldn’t sort them out.
Well.. what I thought were simple growing pains for my son? Those pains weren’t simple.. and my son needed an emergency surgery. The appointment that I had put off because it wasn’t convenient for my schedule? Putting it off those few days had caused my son to be in prolonged pain..
My 10 year old son’s growth plates were too soft to hold up his weight.. he would need a screw to hold that growth plate in place if he wanted to walk..
.. and me? I had been too busy trying to balance everything in my hectic life to notice…
.. so in that moment?
In that moment.. as I let the tears pour down my cheeks..?
I was so angry .. angry at myself for not seeing how much pain he was in (even if he didn’t complain).. I was so angry that I hadn’t made it a big deal about it when I called the doc for an appointment.. I was so angry that the surgery was going to cause him pain..
.. I was worried because.. well? ..worried because it was a surgery.. and worried because my son did not do well with hospitals …
.. disappointed because nothing in his short life had gone easy ..
.. and .. I was sad…
I was always strong.. I always carried my Faith in God’s plan like a Shield.. I always smiled through my tears .. always cheering others on ..
I couldn’t breathe.. I was broken..
..but on the other side of those tears? I picked myself up and trudged through the unknown territory that God had planned for me..for my son.. for our whole family..
I have often heard people say that “God will not give you more than you can handle”… I would often laugh and reply that I wish God didn’t have so much faith in me..
..but I think that statement is a lie…
I think that God absolutely gives us more than we can handle.. but NEVER more than we can handle WITH HIS Strength ..
With God .. All Things are Possible..
.. even with my great Faith in my Heavenly Father.. I often find myself thinking I can plow through problems with my own strength.. I find myself not wanting to trouble God with my “little” problems because of all of the BIG problems that deserve His attention MORE than mine do..
..sometimes it takes me falling to my knees in tears .. sometimes it takes me feeling broken and alone… sometimes it takes “too much” .. to show me that I can’t do it on my own..
.. and then?
Then God fills me with His Strength and His Love.. and All the things I have to do? They all become possible..
.. and it is all Beautiful in its time…