Tag Archives: Christian

2021, covid, covid diaries, creative life, Life, Memories, Parenting, self love, Writing

Second chances..

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Second chances have a way of making you thankful for so many things. Even thankful for things you could never see a reason to be thankful for.

While I was sick with Covid this spring, I wasn’t sure if I would survive. There is a tiredness that comes with being extremely ill.. that has a lot to do with oxygen levels being so low.. and struggling for each breath.. and a lot to do with your body being exhausted in its battle. I found myself wondering if my body had enough strength to give the medicine a chance to work.

I was content with whatever decision God had for me… and very thankful that His decision was for me to finish what I started on this Earth.

With each baby step of healing came Second Chances to do things I may never have gotten a chance to do again.

Second chances to do things I love.. like stand outside … or listen to my kids talk and laugh and sing… take more photos… sing while I cleaned…

Second chances to snuggle with my family on the couch and tell them how much they mean to me.

I also got Second chances to be thankful for things I was not thankful for before. Like Dairy-Free/Gluten-free fake cream cheese in jalapeño poppers. Or Gluten-free/Dairy-free Oreos ..

I know.. I know..

WHY would I be thankful for something that sounds so tasteless?

I completely agree.. and I felt the same way…

… before…

.. but after spending a week in the hospital where we struggled to find food on their menu that I could eat?

I was so thankful for a second chance to fall in love with foods that replaced the 49 food allergies/intolerances that I have.

Over the last 6 months?

I have found so many second chances to love my crazy life within the crazies.

But the second chance that I am the most thankful for?

They say that procrastination is the arrogant assumption that God will give you another chance to do a specific task.

I have arrogantly assumed that I would have a tomorrow to do the things I love most.

“I can write later.. I can be me later..”

“Today I am too busy doing what everyone else has asked… tomorrow I will do what I had intended.”

Finishing the books I had started… now I have that second chance.

Sharing the joy I have found through my Faith and my family… now I have a second chance.

Sharing the knowledge I have found through all my research.. now I have a second chance.

Sometimes… in this busy world?

… we put off what means the most to us because we feel the things we “should” do are more important…

…but what is the point of being us.. if we never enjoy who we are..

… what is the point of having gifts… if we never use them..

I’m not saying I’m going to stop throwing a frisbee for my huge puppies… and I’m definitely not going to stop taking care of my kids…

… but I am saying that I am thankful for a second chance to carve out a chunk of the day to ALSO do things important to the core of Julie.

What about you?

If you were lying in the hospital .. concentrating on each breath?

What would you want a second chance to finish?

Now..

How can you fit that into your day?

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2021, Autism, covid diaries, creative life, Life, Memories, Parenting, photography, self love, Special Needs, Writing

Collecting leaves…

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This time of year has always been a reflective time for me.

With all the leaves falling and changing colors? I stop to think about the year so far.

Some of the leaves falling are bright colored and fascinating. Others fall already dark and dull.

Some of leaves fall right next to the roots of the tree .. and some travel quite a ways.

Sometimes those leaves can be pretty messy.. and not fun to clean up. But I cannot help but be thankful for the trees anyway.

The bright colored leaves are fun to collect. I’ve often thought about making a collection of them. But then I always toss them back into the wind.

In many way, the memories from this year are like those leaves. Some of them shine with bright colors and bring a smile to my face.

Some of them?

Some are darker moments.. and take a lot more time to process .. They are still part of my year but not the memories I want to dwell on.

But today?

Today, as I watched a brightly shining leaf fall on a dried up dull one…?

I wondered… would that leaf look so bright…?

… if it hadn’t just fallen after the darker one?

As I picked up the bright red leaf…

I remembered the moment I put my feet in the grass for the first time… after I had been too sick and too weak to do so for weeks.

That grass.. that ordinary grass… looked like the most amazing of God’s creations to me .. in that moment.

But would it have looked as amazing to me? If I hadn’t struggled to get down the stairs? If I hadn’t needed to carry an oxygen tank to get that far?

No. The grass would have looked ordinary to me.. without the dull colored leaf to compare it to.

This November, I am going to post my thankful posts. But they may look a little different. I’m going to be thankful 2021 style.

I am going to collect those brightest colored leaves before they blow away… and maybe a few dull colored ones while I am at it.

2021, covid, covid diaries, creative life, Global, Life, Memories, Parenting, photography, Writing

On my Father’s floor..

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When I was a little girl, if I wanted to talk to my dad alone.. I knew I could usually find him in his garage. His garage was well used, so it was a little dirty .. and a little oily… and usually had someone’s car parked in it.

I can still smell it. Like old motor oil combined with the damp… and the smell of the trees blowing in from the open door.

I would walk right in… and sit on the floor of my Dad’s garage.

And I was never more content.

Why was I on the floor?

Because my dad was usually under the car… fixing it… and it was easier to talk to him from down there on the floor.

And talk I did .. from what I remember. But I also remember sitting in silence while he worked.

While I sat there, my dad occasionally asked me to hand him a tool. Sometimes I guessed the tool correctly.. but occasionally he would hold the tool I handed him for a moment… and then ask me for the tool he needed again. That time he would describe it to me.

So patient.

And I’d try again.

Sometimes more than once.

For me.. that memory is what my prayer space feels like.

A garage? …you ask…

Why not the image of a church.. or a sunny meadow…? Or a flower garden?

For me?

While sitting on my dad’s floor… I felt loved, and safe… and heard.

The same way I feel when I pray.

This last year has been a difficult one for me.

So much anger in this world… so much injustice… so much sadness…

… and some of my favorite people getting sick…

I have always told people that I won’t sit and wait for a storm to pass… I’ll find a way to dance in the rain…

… but this last year…?

This year I have found myself sitting on the floor of my Father’s garage..

…talking to God while He works on the world.

I’ve found myself bringing my prayers to Him.. like a child. Bringing my disappointments and sadness …

… sometimes I just sit in silence… letting His love seep into me…

.. and occasionally God asks me to help Him..

.. sometimes I do a good job of guessing what is needed.. but sometimes I need to listen a second .. or even third time before I am success at using my gifts for what He intended.

Especially this year… it feels like it is so hard to use the gifts I have been given.

.. writing..

.. encouraging..

.. all of gifts… left in that tool box ..

But as I sit in the quiet.. on the floor with my Father?

Once again I feel loved and safe and heard..

And His peace fills me..

So that when I pick myself up off that floor…

I am ready to dance in the rain again..

covid diaries, Life, Memories

Losing that covid feeling..

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… that covid moment…

My dad used to tell me, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.. but you’ll be surprised what you can live through.”

I held onto that thought when I was lying in a hospital .. 5 weeks ago… concentrating on each controlled deep breath…

Controlled… because the instinct to panic and gasp for more air was strong.. but wouldn’t help …

Deep breaths … because keeping my lungs as open as possible would be the difference between a ventilator.. or keep the oxygen “nose leash”…

I will remember that moment for a long time…

… that moment …

… not scared… but respecting the gravity of the illness that I had…

… not panicking… but focusing on each breath in its entirety… like there was nothing else in the world…

… not wanting to leave my kids without a mom yet… but knowing that it was a possibility…

… and trusting… knowing that God had my situation in His hands… in His plans …

… so I thought about that saying my dad would say … I’d be surprised what I could live through… as I felt the ability to breath on my own get smaller and smaller…

And smiled…

That moment was my covid moment.. filled with that Covid feeling … Being so weak in body.. and fading.. but so filled with faith in God’s plan.. and filled with love from my Earthly family… that I took one more deep breath … and then another…

…. and I was able to keep breathing with JUST the help of that oxygen “nose leash”….

Now.. I know you all see me joke about the oxygen “nose leash” as my son affectionately named it.. that’s because laughter is the best medicine…

oxygen “nose leash” mess…

… I won’t lie.. sometimes that “nose leash” is the source of so much frustration.. The puppies get tangled up in it… it gets caught under something … and it pulls my face back.. or at the very least makes me stop in my tracks and fix the “trap”…

… not to mention that I’m limited to 50 feet from my machine… unless I hook up a tank that I have to pull or carry…

… but I’m still so thankful for the “nose leash” .. because the alternative? A ventilator… in the hospital wasn’t as appealing…

… or worse yet .. now that I’m home… if I didn’t have the oxygen.. I wouldn’t be able to walk to the kitchen to get my own coffee … or do any simple activity without getting short of breath.

This Covid thing isn’t limited to breathing though…

It was obvious things.. like coughing up red “junk”… the swollen neck… abdominal swelling .. leg swelling… the horrible headaches… the heart pounding… the massive bloody noses.. the face swelling….

… but I learned later.. there are the “not so obvious” Covid things too… the short term memory issues… the loss of being able to sign my name… learning to walk without a walker again… keeping my blood sugar above 70 … learning how to be less active … how to ask others to do things for me…

… you’d be surprised what you can live through…

Slowly, my family is losing that Covid feeling…

… the worry that mom will go back to the hospital… my son worried to let me out of his sight… my daughter exhausted from being “the mom” to us all… everyone too exhausted to do much beyond eating and surviving…

But I never want to lose all of the Covid feeling… I hope I keep the joy in the little things…

… the love I feel when I remember the things my parents taught me…

… baby steps

… the happiness I get from little notes tucked into much needed food delivered to the hospital…

… the way my cup overflows with the generosity of friends and their front porch drop offs…

… the joy of being able to go home… even with “oxygen nose leashes”…

… being content surrounded by my little family…

… the feel of grass beneath my feet

… the accomplishment of walking to the chicken coop with a portable oxygen leash

… wearing jeans for the first time in a month…

Being able to see the baby steps of healing as blessings during the storm… means the storm didn’t win…

… so for me?

I don’t want to lose all of that Covid feeling…

.. and I will no longer be surprised what I can live through.

Joy is fun Snapchats with my family…
covid diaries, Life, Writing

Best view in the house…

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If I had to pick a house to be in this week.. it would NOT be the Covid floor of this hospital..

It IS a pleasant enough place.. but the pneumonia.. and the coughing.. and the struggling to breathe.. being so sick I can’t be home…

.. not to mention new iv’s at 1 am when the old one fails..

But the people here are amazing and patient… and brave. Suiting up everytime I need a toothbrush or a potty break.. or a water…

From Elise and Brooke and Melanie… to Chris, Matt, Erin, Erica, Tessa, Gabby, Crimison.. and so many names I didn’t catch… just the care they showed.

And everyone who walks into my room to poke and prod and encourage me to get better…? Looks out my window, “They gave you the best view in the house.”

And it’s true… as I lay here doing controlled breathing to expand my lungs.. I get to look at this idealic picture to calm my breathing…

And I got to thinking about all the blessings around me..

Covid is nothing I would wish on anyone. It’s horrible… but we knew what to expect from our doctors because they helped us to know what to do. What vitamins to take.. what precautions to take.

I got some great covid treatments .. that were NOT available a year ago. So for me? The year of quarantine life added a WHOLE year of research that made a difference in my life.

One of the nurses here said most everyone is fully vaccinated… that makes me feel calmer about accidentally infecting anyone. Something I never want to do.

So much love from family and friends .. and prayers from everywhere..

The packages of love delivered to my sick kids at home… from color books to gluten free Oreos … and fruit baskets … mean so much to a mama far from her kids…

So even if I’m eating the same 2 things off the menu… because they can’t cater to my crazy allergy diet… ?

The view from my window is still the best in the house…

Love you all…

Life, Uncategorized, Writing

The foot of the cross..

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Yesterday was Good Friday…

But…?

… but on Facebook it was a strong complaint day.

As I read through the negative reactions to the Governor’s choices and the strong opinions of my fellow man…

… I began to wonder if I was the strange one?

You see?

Good Friday is a “grounding” day for me.

When we are born again in His love? We are urged to go forward and “sin no more”.

But then.. we are reminded that “all HAVE sinned”..

… and that all will sin again…

But yet on a day 1987 (ish) years ago? We are told that God sent His Son to die for those sins.

He died for my sins… from the free choice He gave me…

Every day of the year, I try to go forth and shower God’s love to those around me. Every day I try to do God’s work.

Every day.. I try to connect with God and listen for the sound of His voice.

But on Good Friday?

I sit at the foot of the cross…

An empty cross.. because Jesus isn’t still hanging there. He is alive and risen…

But when I sit at the foot of that cross?

I can check in with myself. I can stare at the shell of my forgiven sins and ask myself if I am doing the best I can…

Am I listening to God’s voice? Am I going where He asks me to? … and not where I want to be sent?

Am I turning away from all temptations? Even the little innocent ones? Am I being strong when I want to relax my guard?

Am I turning to God when I need help? Am I asking Him for His strength instead of powering through on my own weak self?

Or am I telling myself that I need not trouble Him with prayer.. when it is just for me?

Am I kidding myself that I don’t need forgiveness for prideful thoughts.. because they don’t really hurt anyone?

.. no one except me…

Am I making sure that my relationship with God comes first? Then my work in the name of God comes second?

As I sat at the foot of the cross yesterday… I ignored the specks of the world… and I saw the planks in my own eyes…

… but then?

Then I hear Jesus’s words echo through the ages … “Forgive them. For they know not what they do.”

… He forgives me for every sin I added to His cross.

So as I rise from the foot of the cross.. I am ready to celebrate the new life He has given me..

…ready to celebrate the joy and hope from finding the tomb empty…

Autism, Life, Memories, Parenting, Special Needs, Writing

No…

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Growing up, we had a dishwasher.

For two girls who did the dishes for a family of nine? It was so cool..

…except …

Except for when my mom took it away.

Now.. I don’t remember the Reason why she took it away… exactly.. because, as is typical for young kids…?

I only remember the punishment.

And our punishment was to hand-wash dishes… until she was satisfied that we knew how.

We asked my mom to change her mind and let us use the dishwasher again..

..and she said “no.”

I remember promising to make sure every dish was clean before it got put away..

.. she smiled and said she knew I would .. because I would be hand-washing those dishes.

… the answer was still “no.”

So we hand-washed those dishes.

.. every day…

.. for … forever…

Then one Saturday? My mom left to go grocery shopping.. and I remember filling the dishwasher full of dirty dishes… and standing there impatiently willing it to run faster…

.. then as soon as it was finished running its cycle?

I hand dried all the dishes.. washing any that didn’t come clean.. drying out the dishwasher thoroughly… and even fanning it with a towel to cool it off..

When I was done? I was exhausted…

NOW?

Now, I know it would have been easier to just hand wash those dishes.

Sometimes, I think I haven’t learned that lesson still… That young girl showed me an important message..

…and I still don’t listen to what she is telling me.

Every day I pray .. I pray for my kids… I pray for their health.. I pray for their life… I pray for the plans they want or the plans we think will be good for them…

Basically, I am asking for God to give me the thing that we want on Earth.. if it’s according to His will…

Having a son with special abilities?

Most of the times, these aren’t selfish things..

Healing from one of my son’s surgeries, answers to autism puzzles… successful days at school…

.. an easy day every once in awhile…

… and similar prayers for my daughter… health and happiness .. and a little success on stage..

…but sometimes?

Sometimes, God says “no.”

Most of the time I accept that .. but occasionally I ask again.. wondering if I promise to be extra good.. if that will change the Almighty’s mind…

When the answer is still “no?”

Then I just keep on going down the path set before me… no matter how hard it is…

But I admit…

.. sometimes on a Saturday morning? I try to make “my plans” work and do it my way. I load that “dishwasher” full of good intentions and hard work.. and wait impatiently to see if it will finish working… before God returns and sees that I ignored His answers…

… but at the end of the day?

It’s exhausting!

.. and it would have been easier to hand-wash those dishes.

Today, I was standing in Barnes & Nobles talking about my books .. and I realized that I incorporated that lesson in my storylines …

.. I show Emma praying for the easy way out… praying to make everyone happy even if it isn’t what she wants… praying for loved ones to come home without the answers they need…

… and then praying for the strength to handle all the extra work and stress she causes herself…

.. I can write it into the pages for Emma … but I still struggle to write that lesson into the pages of my life..

Instead of doing the things God has laid before me.. in a slow patient fashion.. I continue wanting to do my things .. my way…

I guess I can learn a lot from 9 year old me…

What about you? What do you do when the answer is “no?”

Autism, Life, Memories, Parenting, Special Needs, Writing

While we’re here..

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When I was a kid, trick or treating had some crazy traditions.

One neighbor made caramel apples for us.. but we had to come in for a visit. (Yes.. our mom was with us..)

Another stop gave full candy bars… but we had to tell a joke.

And yet another stop we had to tell a Bible verse.

Now after years of Sunday school and Vacation Bible school.. I knew a lot of verses.. but one that I loved to recite?

“Jesus wept.” John 11:35

I know it doesn’t sound amusing.. but for a kid? Finding the shortest Bible verse seemed like a challenge…

…and…?

I got the same big treat as my siblings who recites longer verses…

But as I grew up?

That verse came to mean a lot to my heart.

You see?

My superpower is feeling other people’s emotions…

…and well?

I cry.

…I cry a lot…

For most of my childhood and teenage years? This embarrassed me … and I fought to control those tears.

But this verse? Jesus wept. It echoed through my mind every time I teared up. I mean? If it was ok for Jesus… a grown man.. to cry in public because He was sad? If it was acceptable for the Son of God to weep openly… even though he knew that God had everything under control? Even though He KNEW that everything would work together and be beautiful … in its time?

If it was ok for Jesus to weep … even though He hadn’t lost faith in God?

Then maybe.. just maybe…?

It was OK for me to cry when I was overwhelmed.

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me to speak at her church on Mother’s Day (..ha.. I know.. it was more than a few weeks…) about my experience in parenting. How parenting a strong willed, independent sassy daughter and a son with autism (and a side of mood disorders) changed my life.

My first response was… I can’t do that… I’ll cry… in front of a whole congregation of people…

… just like Jesus did…

Then my second response… what would I talk about? How do you take 21 years of trials… errors… tears… laughter… and love… and condense it into 20 minutes?

The day I was to speak at the church was the day before my son was scheduled to start “college”. The day before we were to move my son into a dorm and he was to begin his road to independence.

Sooo… it seemed fitting to talk about how we had moved on from each disappointment… toward hope and a future. How we had taken each path we were on and looked for some good that we could do while we were there.

So I based my message on my other favorite verse…

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

In front of this church congregation… I talked about how I had great plans for my life… plans to change the world… and how those plans did not turn out the way I had thought they would.

In fact?

My life was nothing how I planned.

I love my life… but it is not the life I had planned for myself.

Parenting is always a challenge.. whether it is a sassy, independent, strong willed daughter…. or a son with anxiety, autism and a mood disorder.

And… well?

I had both.

Every time that my life’s path took a wide turn and took me away from the plans I had made for me and my small family? I would remind myself of this verse.. that God has a plan for me..

.. promising me hope and a future…

So I had accepted each set of changes…

..but first?

First… I had cried.

Tears to grieve for the death of the plans I had made. I cried out all the frustrations from knowing that I had to change yet again…

and then?

Then I had wiped my tears and looked around… and I’d say to myself.. “While we are here, what good can we do?”

While we are in this new place.. with new plans… what good can we do..?

And yes… I cried…

The day after Mother’s Day?

The day after I spoke about hope and a future?

We took our son to his college. We followed the plans he had made for himself.

The first day of his bright new future…

And….

He didn’t make it.

Four years of planning, and in the matter of 24 hours?

All of our plans for the next year changed.

My son and I…. ?

… we wept….

We wept for our broke dreams… his dreams of going to college and staying in a dorm…. my dreams of seeing him independent … and my dreams of being free to start a career.

We wept.

Not knowing which way to go… and having to explore different paths…? We both felt a little lost…

…but we wiped our tears… and said… while we are here what good can we do?

Over and over this summer? Our paths have changed…

Over and over this summer? We have cried…

But today?

Today… as I feel the sunshine on my face? Today as I see some confidence seep back into my son’s face?

I am reminded once again that God has promised my son a hope and a future…

I am reminded that God has promised ME a hope and a future…

He didn’t promise me the future that I dreamed up for myself… but He promised me it would prosper and not harm me…

Sooo….

Let me dry my tears one more time….

…and see what good we can do….

While we are here…..

Life, Parenting, Special Needs, Writing

…storms in life..

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img_2512Sometimes after a storm, I walk through my yard just to see what blew in. My favorite finds are nests. I find them fascinating!

So intricate.. so beautiful…

.. but when there are eggshells still in the nests.. I remember that what I find fascinating? It’s what’s left of a creature’s home.

This summer I found many nests blown down.. it was hot and dry.. and very windy here in Central Michigan..

.. but I also made a different find!! I found a nest in my Locust tree. High above my head.. on a solid branch.. a solid built nest. It wasn’t as delicate as some of the beautiful nests I had found .. and definitely NOT as pretty..

… and on the backside I found some creepy critters..

.. but it withstood storm after storm… In fact, I found myself checking in with it every day. Well.. at least until my life got busy again..

This morning, I sat and watch news footage of the hurricane destruction in Florida.

So sad.

Putting my phone away… I walked out to feed my chickens, and once again checked in on my nest.

As the wind whipped around me.. I looked up into that tree.. with its branches bending dramatically…

.. and in the middle of the storm.. this nest still held firm.

The tree has fewer leaves now.. and the ones remaining have changed colors.. the feathers have blown away.. and the sunlight isn’t as bright..

..but this nest is still there…

Most of us don’t experience storms like Hurricane Michael.. or Florence.. we don’t see storm surges and wind speeds over 100 mph… we don’t see our houses blown down ..  homes destroyed…

…but we all experience storms in life…

Parenting itself is a storm at times..

.. then add in special needs storms.. a new diagnosis… health issues.. emergency surgeries.. medicine changes.. family emergencies… conflicts in our world.. death of a loved one.. financial strain…

..yes…

…we all have storms..

I have had storms…

…many… many storms..

Today? As I stood there in the wind.. I thought about my nest…

.. my home.. my life…

Some people think that our nests are in a specific location.. some people think our homes need to be beautiful.. most people think our lives shouldn’t have creepy critters in them…

My nest isn’t a place … I have moved too many times…

My home isn’t perfectly beautiful.. we are too busy living life in it…

.. and the people in my life aren’t perfect .. but neither am I..

… but when a storm blows through my life? Will the life that I have built withstand the winds?

Or will I be blown out of that tree.. and into God’s lawn?

.. Will God pick my life up out of debris? Pick off a creepy critter… or two? Will God have to put me back in my tree? Will He move me to a safer tree? Will He put me right back into the storm?

I have fallen in storms…

I have broken down in tears…

I have asked God to put me a different tree…

I have asked Him to take away my storms…

… but I have weathered a lot of storms firmly rooted to my branch…

.. I have come through storms looking for rainbows on the other side…

.. I have formed bonds inside those storms…

… and found happiness.

I will always continue to look for ways to improve my life and make it more storm proof. … But I like the nest I have built…

So today..??

Today.. as the trees bend and twist in the wind… take a look at your nest and consider…

…how will you withstand the storm?

Life, Writing

..eye catching

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Yesterday was Easter.. and we headed out into nature to recharge..

Our family parties were done … the Easter baskets opened.. and my daughter headed back to her campus.

And.. well?

And the sun was shining. We didn’t really need any OTHER invitation.

As we entered the woods, we were reminded that Spring really hasn’t arrived yet.

The landscape was beautiful. Rolling hills… sloping roads… lazy rivers…

So beautiful!!

But nature is still sleeping here. So everything is brown. So many different shades of brown… but still just brown.

And SO cold!

Then?

Then every once in a while, we would go over a hill.. or around a bend… and something would catch my eye.

There amongst the dead leaves and the cold wind? There would be the brightest green moss growing.

I know.. I know…

Moss isn’t really that pretty.. and it isn’t SUPPOSED to be growing on the sides of trees and rocks.

But the bright green of that moss against the shades of the sleeping nature around it? It was so startling. It caught my attention every time.

That moss?

That moss reminds me of people who show happiness and positively impact the world around them .. every day.

Not just showing their green color when the sun is shining and the warmth is all around. But glowing a bright green when the winds are cold enough to make your nose hurt and cause your lungs to burn. Glowing green when nothing else is even growing.. when there feels like there is no hope of hope.

So today I wonder?

Am I showing a bright green color of hope and love against the dull colors of today?

There are always “dull” things going on around us..

..extra bills… health concerns… raising kids.. car issues… and messes to clean up..

..not to mention world troubles…

…but amongst those shades of “brown”…?

Among the lifeless colors… am I shining some green into the world? Am I handing out genuine smiles.. holding open doors… sharing my resources with the world around me… lending a hand where I can…? Am I looking for hope?

Am I offering to share the small amount of hope that I hold in my hands?

Because that is what I want.. I want my love and my hope to shine brightly against my surroundings.

What color are you today?