Category Archives: Writing

2025, cousins, family, grief, Life, Memories, Writing

Our first friends…

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Growing up in a really big family … with lots of cousins… was such a huge blessing for me.

One of the best gifts my parents (and aunts/uncles) could have ever given me…

I might not have realized it as a kid… ha.. not in the midst of sharing my toys or having to compromise on what the play “plans” should be..

But those cousins were my first friends.

At first… because we had no choice. But later we were friends because we had fun together.

When we got together as kids, it wasn’t anything special. It was usually just us kids walking around the woods and enjoying the fun as we found it. But those days are the foundation of my life.

I learned so many friendship lessons through my cousins..

…like how to get past hurt feelings .. or anger… (Because we were definitely going to be spending more time together whether we forgave each other or not)..

… how to stick together and get your story straight (so we ALL told the same story about why one of us was bleeding) …

(… and one of us was USUALLY bleeding…)

BUT at the end of an exhausting day with those first friends?

I couldn’t help but smile… and my heart only stored the good moments and forgot everything else.

Today.. I learned that one of those first friends went home to Heaven… a lot earlier than any of us expected..

… a lot earlier than were prepared for…

My little cousin, Travis (who hasn’t been littler than me for quite some time) … went ahead of me to Heaven…

.. it still feels wrong…

… even as I know it’s true.

As I look back to all those memories together… I find myself remembering his larger-than-life personality as a small child.

He was younger than me by a little bit.. even if he wasn’t shorter than me for very long…

I remember how he always lived life to the fullest. When he was mad… he was fully mad… and when he was upset, he didn’t try to hide it… but THEN when he smiled it lit up his whole face… and when he laughed it filled up the space around him.

And oh how he loved to make people laugh.

As we all grew up… Travis changed a little.. (as we all did) Ha.. I never saw him get mad anymore.. but I would still see him shed a tear as he would tell his stories.. he still tried to make me laugh.. and he was always checking in on people and making sure they felt loved.

Earlier this summer, after my mom passed away, my little cousin stopped by several times during that week to check on us all… just to keep us company.

I am so glad for each and every one of those visits! I was glad then and I’m especially glad now…

He didn’t bring anything with him, and he didn’t make a big deal about coming over… he just came as he was…

… his love for us wasn’t anything fancy…

… it was just … there…

… larger than life… and loving us to his fullest..

So much love that his earthly heart just couldn’t hold it all.

… that love?

… is such a big part of who I am…

2024, family, grief, Life, Memories, mother, Uncategorized, Writing

Her nightgown…

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My mom’s nightgown is still hanging over the end of my bed. I brought it home in June because it popped a seam.. and I promised to fix it because it is her favorite nightgown.

I still have an open shopping list on my phone… things I was going to pick up for her.. including some photos she asked for..

The magazine clipping she cut out for me.. because she thought I would like it.. hangs on my refrigerator…

The blue flower shirt in my closet that she always asked to borrow…

In the garage sits the couch attachment I bought so that my mom could stand up from my couch ..

And then there is the voice mail she left.. that I can’t delete…

Every where I look … there are reminders of her.

It always seems like she is just in the other room… like she will call in another moment.

When I visit my dad.. her tea cups still sit on the counter..

… and it hits me … never again in my Earthly days will I make my mom another cup of chai.

Never again will I joke with her .. asking her if she would like some coffee…

… never again will she stick her tongue out at me and call me a brat…

That is.. not until I see her again in heaven.

But…

… I will also never again see her in pain.. or watch her struggle to walk with a walker.. or see her frustrated because she wants out of her wheelchair.

I will never again see her suffer.

But what I will see?

I will see my mom’s smile when I look into her grandkids’ faces.

I will remember my mom’s happiness whenever I find photos of her on my phone. (And believe me.. I have a “few”..)

I will see my mom in the gatherings we have.. in the circle of chairs around the campfire…

I’ll see her in the sewing lessons I give… in the way I teach family recipes …

I’ll see my mom in every blue car I pass… every bird I see… every butterfly that flits by…

… in every chai I drink..

Today as I carefully stitch my mom’s nightgown…

… because I promised her I would…

… a tear falls for every blessed memory I have that has her in it…

… and I have too many blessings to count.

I am reminded of A.A. Milne’s piece of wisdom.

“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying Good-bye so hard…”

How lucky am I to have so many blessed memories with the woman I called “Mom”.

Even if those memories each bring a tear today… I wouldn’t trade a single memory.

This nightgown may be pretty wet by the time I finish mending it…

… but what a blessed girl I am.

2024, Life, Memories, Parenting, Uncategorized, Writing

Trading places…

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Years and years ago, in a small town in Michigan… not much further north than where I live now… sat a man… in his car… in a school parking lot.

… waiting for his daughter to get out of practice… (one practice or another)…

… just one of his seven kids… but definitely one of his more distractible children..

That daughter would hurry off toward the parking lot after practice.. but she was terrible at telling people she couldn’t help them or stop to talk…

As a result??

That daughter was often late getting to her Dad’s car.

Now that Dad… after working a long day of work… after waiting in his car for practice to get over…

… and after waiting for his daughter to make it to the car.. (and often waiting for more than just one of his kids)…?

That Dad would always greet his daughter with a smile.

A tired smile, at times, but always a smile.

That absent-minded daughter was me…

… and those rides home?

They were some of my best memories. My dad would ask me about my day.. ha… and then listen the rest of the way home as I told him in great detail.

I do not remember a single time of him reprimanding me for being late… I don’t remember a single instance of him asking me to be quiet… and I don’t remember a single time of him saying he was too tired to take me to or from practice.

(Now.. not to say that he never told me he was unable to take me. He was very busy.. and after all, he had six other children and a wife..

No.. there were plenty of times he COULD not give me a ride. But I never remember a time he WOULD not take the time to help us kids.)

At some point in our lives, we start trading places with our parents… Little by little…

Recently, I have started the process of trading places with my dad.

Instead of him waiting patiently for me to be done with practice…?

…it’s me in the waiting room, patiently waiting for word from his minor surgery to be done. …it’s me planning on bringing something to keep me busy while he is in an appointment.

It’s me… doing the patient waiting… and driving.

It isn’t very often right now… just every once in awhile.

But as parents, we are used to doing more for our kids… than we are used to asking for help..

A couple weeks ago, my dad apologized for “needing” rides… for disrupting my schedule, and “inconveniencing” me.

But not one part of me feels inconvenienced by being able to give my dad rides when he needs them.

But… When I explained that it is just a small repayment for all the rides and waiting he did for me and my siblings… ?

… he laughed. He laughed and told me that stage in his life was one of his favorite. He said he simply enjoyed every moment of each ride.

Part of me is so thankful to be able to repay all the rides he gave me… willing to change my schedule the way he always did for me.

But part of me…

… a really big part of me….

.. that part of me is really happy to just be able to ride in the car with my dad for a short period of time.. and once again tell him about my day..

So in this stage of trading places with my dad…?

… During this stage in my life, I plan on taking after my dad and enjoying every moment I have with him.

career, creative life, Life, Memories, Parenting, self love, Special Needs, Uncategorized, Writing

Thoughtful Thursday …

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I was talking with a friend the other day and he got me thinking.

We were at a celebration for my parents’ 50th anniversary..

… and he was saying how he made a hard decision for himself as a teen.. and as a result?

… met some really great people.

One of those “people” being my little brother.

… and in a domino effect ?

There he was ((years later)) celebrating along side our family.

A blessing to all of us … because he made a hard decision to make HIS life better.

While I finished cleaning up after the party..

…a party to celebrate two people being married for 50 years.

50 years of marriage.. and decisions… and celebrating… and comforting each other… and compromise…

I could not help but think about how many of those decisions caused the domino effect that led to how we see our family now?

.. and how many times do we NOT make decisions because they are too hard?

How many times did someone not go out on a limb because it was a little too scary?

How would those decisions have changed what we see?

How many decisions did I fail to make…? … that changed how my life looks?

Parenting involves so many decisions.. but parenting kiddos with special needs (medical/educational/ social)??

Those decisions seem so much more …. Weighted.

Knowing that someone else’s life will be affected by the ripples of that decision?

I remember making decisions through tears…

… and I remember NOT making decisions.. with those same tears..

Decisions can be hard…

I remember when we finally decided that understanding history and science weren’t as important as feeling independent…

Making decisions FOR our family …

… and in the process?

We have met some really great people along the way.

But the hardest decisions for me to make are the ones for me…

It’s easy to scrimp and save to spend money on a loved one…

… but for me to ask someone to scrimp and save for me ?

((Gulp))

A few years ago… I started booking events to promote my books.

It was hard..

It costs money to book a spot at an art fair .. or author expo …

.. and it costs time away from family where you have to get someone to cover your responsibilities…

It costs … and it was really hard for me.

But I met a really great group of fellow authors… and fellow literary professionals… that have encouraged me to keep going…

Exactly where I needed to be … when I needed to be there…

What about you?

What are you thoughtful about today?

Are you weighing decisions and their effects?

2021, covid, covid diaries, creative life, Life, Memories, Parenting, self love, Writing

Second chances..

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Second chances have a way of making you thankful for so many things. Even thankful for things you could never see a reason to be thankful for.

While I was sick with Covid this spring, I wasn’t sure if I would survive. There is a tiredness that comes with being extremely ill.. that has a lot to do with oxygen levels being so low.. and struggling for each breath.. and a lot to do with your body being exhausted in its battle. I found myself wondering if my body had enough strength to give the medicine a chance to work.

I was content with whatever decision God had for me… and very thankful that His decision was for me to finish what I started on this Earth.

With each baby step of healing came Second Chances to do things I may never have gotten a chance to do again.

Second chances to do things I love.. like stand outside … or listen to my kids talk and laugh and sing… take more photos… sing while I cleaned…

Second chances to snuggle with my family on the couch and tell them how much they mean to me.

I also got Second chances to be thankful for things I was not thankful for before. Like Dairy-Free/Gluten-free fake cream cheese in jalapeño poppers. Or Gluten-free/Dairy-free Oreos ..

I know.. I know..

WHY would I be thankful for something that sounds so tasteless?

I completely agree.. and I felt the same way…

… before…

.. but after spending a week in the hospital where we struggled to find food on their menu that I could eat?

I was so thankful for a second chance to fall in love with foods that replaced the 49 food allergies/intolerances that I have.

Over the last 6 months?

I have found so many second chances to love my crazy life within the crazies.

But the second chance that I am the most thankful for?

They say that procrastination is the arrogant assumption that God will give you another chance to do a specific task.

I have arrogantly assumed that I would have a tomorrow to do the things I love most.

“I can write later.. I can be me later..”

“Today I am too busy doing what everyone else has asked… tomorrow I will do what I had intended.”

Finishing the books I had started… now I have that second chance.

Sharing the joy I have found through my Faith and my family… now I have a second chance.

Sharing the knowledge I have found through all my research.. now I have a second chance.

Sometimes… in this busy world?

… we put off what means the most to us because we feel the things we “should” do are more important…

…but what is the point of being us.. if we never enjoy who we are..

… what is the point of having gifts… if we never use them..

I’m not saying I’m going to stop throwing a frisbee for my huge puppies… and I’m definitely not going to stop taking care of my kids…

… but I am saying that I am thankful for a second chance to carve out a chunk of the day to ALSO do things important to the core of Julie.

What about you?

If you were lying in the hospital .. concentrating on each breath?

What would you want a second chance to finish?

Now..

How can you fit that into your day?

2021, Autism, covid diaries, creative life, Life, Memories, Parenting, photography, self love, Special Needs, Writing

Collecting leaves…

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This time of year has always been a reflective time for me.

With all the leaves falling and changing colors? I stop to think about the year so far.

Some of the leaves falling are bright colored and fascinating. Others fall already dark and dull.

Some of leaves fall right next to the roots of the tree .. and some travel quite a ways.

Sometimes those leaves can be pretty messy.. and not fun to clean up. But I cannot help but be thankful for the trees anyway.

The bright colored leaves are fun to collect. I’ve often thought about making a collection of them. But then I always toss them back into the wind.

In many way, the memories from this year are like those leaves. Some of them shine with bright colors and bring a smile to my face.

Some of them?

Some are darker moments.. and take a lot more time to process .. They are still part of my year but not the memories I want to dwell on.

But today?

Today, as I watched a brightly shining leaf fall on a dried up dull one…?

I wondered… would that leaf look so bright…?

… if it hadn’t just fallen after the darker one?

As I picked up the bright red leaf…

I remembered the moment I put my feet in the grass for the first time… after I had been too sick and too weak to do so for weeks.

That grass.. that ordinary grass… looked like the most amazing of God’s creations to me .. in that moment.

But would it have looked as amazing to me? If I hadn’t struggled to get down the stairs? If I hadn’t needed to carry an oxygen tank to get that far?

No. The grass would have looked ordinary to me.. without the dull colored leaf to compare it to.

This November, I am going to post my thankful posts. But they may look a little different. I’m going to be thankful 2021 style.

I am going to collect those brightest colored leaves before they blow away… and maybe a few dull colored ones while I am at it.

2021, covid, covid diaries, creative life, Global, Life, Memories, Parenting, photography, Writing

On my Father’s floor..

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When I was a little girl, if I wanted to talk to my dad alone.. I knew I could usually find him in his garage. His garage was well used, so it was a little dirty .. and a little oily… and usually had someone’s car parked in it.

I can still smell it. Like old motor oil combined with the damp… and the smell of the trees blowing in from the open door.

I would walk right in… and sit on the floor of my Dad’s garage.

And I was never more content.

Why was I on the floor?

Because my dad was usually under the car… fixing it… and it was easier to talk to him from down there on the floor.

And talk I did .. from what I remember. But I also remember sitting in silence while he worked.

While I sat there, my dad occasionally asked me to hand him a tool. Sometimes I guessed the tool correctly.. but occasionally he would hold the tool I handed him for a moment… and then ask me for the tool he needed again. That time he would describe it to me.

So patient.

And I’d try again.

Sometimes more than once.

For me.. that memory is what my prayer space feels like.

A garage? …you ask…

Why not the image of a church.. or a sunny meadow…? Or a flower garden?

For me?

While sitting on my dad’s floor… I felt loved, and safe… and heard.

The same way I feel when I pray.

This last year has been a difficult one for me.

So much anger in this world… so much injustice… so much sadness…

… and some of my favorite people getting sick…

I have always told people that I won’t sit and wait for a storm to pass… I’ll find a way to dance in the rain…

… but this last year…?

This year I have found myself sitting on the floor of my Father’s garage..

…talking to God while He works on the world.

I’ve found myself bringing my prayers to Him.. like a child. Bringing my disappointments and sadness …

… sometimes I just sit in silence… letting His love seep into me…

.. and occasionally God asks me to help Him..

.. sometimes I do a good job of guessing what is needed.. but sometimes I need to listen a second .. or even third time before I am success at using my gifts for what He intended.

Especially this year… it feels like it is so hard to use the gifts I have been given.

.. writing..

.. encouraging..

.. all of gifts… left in that tool box ..

But as I sit in the quiet.. on the floor with my Father?

Once again I feel loved and safe and heard..

And His peace fills me..

So that when I pick myself up off that floor…

I am ready to dance in the rain again..

creative life, Life, photography, self love, Uncategorized, Writing

Head in the clouds..

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After a long complicated year, I spent the morning taking pictures.

Not carefully aimed photos of kids about to graduate.. not precious photos of new life..

Today was simple.

Anything that caught my eye?

I just focused and shot. The texture of a brick wall.. the shade of the tree… the light through the leaves… the dew on the grass…

Simple moments.. simple tasks…

I was just a girl with a camera.. with her head in the clouds..

What a good thing…

covid diaries, Life, Writing

Best view in the house…

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If I had to pick a house to be in this week.. it would NOT be the Covid floor of this hospital..

It IS a pleasant enough place.. but the pneumonia.. and the coughing.. and the struggling to breathe.. being so sick I can’t be home…

.. not to mention new iv’s at 1 am when the old one fails..

But the people here are amazing and patient… and brave. Suiting up everytime I need a toothbrush or a potty break.. or a water…

From Elise and Brooke and Melanie… to Chris, Matt, Erin, Erica, Tessa, Gabby, Crimison.. and so many names I didn’t catch… just the care they showed.

And everyone who walks into my room to poke and prod and encourage me to get better…? Looks out my window, “They gave you the best view in the house.”

And it’s true… as I lay here doing controlled breathing to expand my lungs.. I get to look at this idealic picture to calm my breathing…

And I got to thinking about all the blessings around me..

Covid is nothing I would wish on anyone. It’s horrible… but we knew what to expect from our doctors because they helped us to know what to do. What vitamins to take.. what precautions to take.

I got some great covid treatments .. that were NOT available a year ago. So for me? The year of quarantine life added a WHOLE year of research that made a difference in my life.

One of the nurses here said most everyone is fully vaccinated… that makes me feel calmer about accidentally infecting anyone. Something I never want to do.

So much love from family and friends .. and prayers from everywhere..

The packages of love delivered to my sick kids at home… from color books to gluten free Oreos … and fruit baskets … mean so much to a mama far from her kids…

So even if I’m eating the same 2 things off the menu… because they can’t cater to my crazy allergy diet… ?

The view from my window is still the best in the house…

Love you all…

covid diaries, Life, Writing

Covid diaries day 6

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All year I heard people say Covid is just a cold…

I’ve have Covid now for 6 days…


I’ve had 3 episodes of 105 temperature… where the shivering is so violent that I thought my bones would break.
I cough up so much solid red junk from my lungs that I can’t move afterwards.

On day 3, I went to the ER for X-rays and CT scans… where I was diagnosed with Covid pneumonia.. I was scheduled immediately for antibody infusions….

…and on day 4… when I couldn’t keep my oxygen above 88… my husband took me to the ER again and dropped me off at the door.

After countless labs and scans… The ER had to call 5 hospitals before they found a hospital an hour away that had ROOM to admit me…

I usually walk 2-4 miles a day in my life…


Today?

Today… I still can’t walk to the bathroom to pee withOUT shaking violently and having to have extra oxygen for the movement.
I almost hyperventilate when I change positions of any type. And then it takes me 20-30 mins to recover.

They found blood clotting factors in my blood work so I’m on blood thinners… and my glucose numbers are abnormally high. I don’t have problems with diabetes…

The headaches and fevers have subsided with the addition treatments… finally

…but my lungs will have a long road to recovery… and that depends on how tomorrow goes.. they say day 6 is pivotal for if you get better .. or worse.

But for me… I think about my kids at home… going through the same illness… doing breathing treatments and monitoring oxygen levels and heart rates… knowing that God has us all in His hands… in His plans…

I’m trusting in Him as I have always done.

But I am so glad that I spent the last year of my life protecting them and the people around me.. from this COVID… This “definitely NOT a cold” virus…

Stay safe out there. And God Bless