Tag Archives: Parenting

Life, Parenting

She lived…

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We never saved money for my daughter’s college.. We started to, but then…?

Well..?

Well..  then life happened.

As I was pulling pictures for my daughter’s open house last week.. I saw snapshots of that life …

First there were gymnastics classes and dance.. To give her socialization skills.

Then it was off to preschool .. To give her a headstart in school.. After all, she was already so smart.

Then came trips to museums and zoos.. Nature centers..

As her desire to perform evolved.. We added Performing Arts camps and classes..

Add in piano lessons, Girl Scout camps.. Community college Musical opportunities..

Yup.. Pretty soon her college fund was history..

But that isn’t the end of her pictures..

No sir-ee.. Then comes to the cross country trips that my husband and I took our kids on..


To New York to see family.. And to see Niagara Falls..

To California to see family.. and a quick stop at the Grand Canyon..

As we added each new state to our map of “places”? Yup.. More pictures.. Each picture brought a smile to my face.. Remembering the adventures .. the life lessons.. the laughter and smiles..

Along the way…?

Along the way paying for college became less of a priority.. and preparing her for life took its place.

Now don’t get me wrong.. We have always TALKED about college.. and her future. That part was never a question. With her reading before Kindergarten? It was just a given..

The only thing that changed was our focus on saving money FOR her future.. instead of PREPARING her for that future.

What we didn’t realize in making this subconscious shift?

Our daughter has lived a very full. And she learned to live IN TODAY.. although the while working hard toward her future. She enjoys her life where ever she is.. Whether it’s tutoring.. or creating a set.. babysitting twins.. or swimming in the moonlight.. she always has a smile on her face.

Even (occasionally) she will smile while doing dishes.. (hey.. she is human after all)…

So today when I look at my daughter .. and realize that soon she will have student loans..

..and I know that we (her father & I) can’t prevent that…

I realize that .. with those student loans?

She will also have memories of moonlit kayak rides, kayak adventures to find hidden islands, cousin sleep overs (aka stay up overs), many hide n seek adventures in the dark, science experiments growing what’s in our mouth (yuck), science experiments with coke and Mentos, reading millions of books, watching “books” we have read come ALIVE at the movie theaters, doing chores, earning her own money, getting pets, saying good-bye to pets, taking 30 hour driving trips to see cousins, seeing beautiful landmarks in our country, welcoming exchange sisters into our lives, sharing a room with someone you don’t know LONG enough to know them by heart, having to hug those exchange sisters good-bye at airports, art lessons, piano lessons, acting lessons, voice lessons, summer camps, theatre camps, family camps,  swimming in waterfalls, getting leaches, putting band-aids on little ones, having surgeries, playing board games all night, designing her own prom dresses, learning how to eat gluten free, saving money for Disney World, going to Disney World, learning how to drive, making her first solo trip, being center stage in the spot light, being backstage supporting someone else’s spotlight, singing songs on stage, singing her grandpa’s favorite song around the campfire,

Loving others,

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Faith in God,

Yes.. my baby girl will do amazing at college..

because she has lived a full life!!!!!!!

……I Love you Princess Tiger Lily…..

Life

On her own… 

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Once upon a time.. About 13 1/2 years ago.. a little girl (with lots of curls) headed off to her first day of kindergarten. 

And like EVERYthing in her life? Yup! She wanted to do it on her own. 

She did NOT want me to drive her to school that first day.

She did NOT want me to walk her into her class and help her get settled.

She wanted to ride the bus like EVERYone did.. 

She wouldn’t even let me hold her hand.. 

I was a little hurt I guess.. I do make plans in my head.. You know those plans, right? Plans on how to be the best mom.. 

But neither me nor my husband were suprised that she simply announced she would have none of my plans.. 

Why? Well you see.. Everything in her life until that point had been the same.. 

When she was 3 weeks old? She simply refused to let me rock her to sleep anymore. She wanted to be put in her crib so she could go to sleep ON HER OWN.. 

At 6 months? She clamped her mouth shut.. Refusing to be fed anymore. She wanted to do it ON HER OWN. 

Doing puzzles? She would gently move my hand away.. She didn’t want any help. 

Now this “on her own” attitude did get her in trouble.. Because it often slipped into.. “Let me do it my way”… 

Lol.. Once that attitude had her preschool teacher telling me she’s be better off with younger kids.. My beautiful, smart, strong willed girl…. was demoted to a younger class.. 

.. and well? Let’s just say her ballet teacher was so relieved when we moved to Missouri before recital.. I guess having my girl “co-teach” the class (only when she felt the teacher was being boring) wasn’t as fun as it sounded.. 

Sigh.. Honestly I knew how the dance teacher felt.. I wondered often why my daughter couldn’t just do it my way FOR ONCE.. 

Last night my daughter gave a speech at graduation.. as Valedictorian. That same stubborn pride.. The same frustrating determination to do things her own way.. ??


It would keep my daughter up until the WEE hours of the morning doing homework after a long night of Musical practice. 

It would have my daughter going the extra distance to do a project the way she wanted.. Which was often more than her teacher had asked for. 

Yes .. My daughter’s determination to do things ON HER OWN and in her OWN WAY.. is the very reason she made it to the top of her class .. 

So even when I retell stories of her childhood around the fire.. Tales of her stubbornness and the frustration I had endured… And laughing  until I have tears in my eyes.. 

.. Even when  I act like it was awful..  I am actually so very proud of the young lady she has become…

.. and I don’t really worry about her future.. I know she will get there ON HER OWN timing and in her own way.. 

Luckily I have God in our corner.. Watching out for her along the way.. because it’s going to be great. 

Life

Skin deep… 

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I don’t write about my daughter a lot.. Probably because I prefer to tell her tales of “terror” around the campfire … Where we can all laugh until we cry.. 

You see? The “legal adult” you all see before you? The beautiful, polite, smart, sweet, politically correct, top scholar? She was once a beautiful, smart, sassy, stubborn, strong willed, test-every-rule kind of girl… 

Yup.. 

I was so glad she out grew that Last year… 

All kidding aside? She has always been a great kid to raise.. (Except that time when she accused a kind old gentleman of trying to kidnap her.. Or the time she tipped the bookshelf over.. Sigh.. Or the time she screamed in the store bathroom that the dinosaurs were going to eat her.. Sigh.. Or the time she dumped all the shampoo, conditioner and body soap into the bathwater as an “experiment”… )

Ok .. Ok.. There were times that I questioned my ability to parent this child successfully.. 

And I think THAT is one of the reasons I don’t write about my daughter as much as my son.. 

I made a ton of mistakes.. 

One of the worst was the day my daughter told me she KNEW she wasn’t pretty.. 

Frustrated I asked her how she could KNOW that she wasn’t.. 

Her answer?

She stated (very matter-of-factly).. “Because YOU have never told me that I was pretty. Everyone knows that mothers ALWAYS think their children are beautiful no MATTER what .. So if my own mother doesn’t tell me I’m pretty.. Then I must be pretty ugly.” 

I remember my world froze in that moment.. 

After a moment of silence, my daughter shrugged her shoulders like the whole thing was no big deal.. 

… it WAS a big deal to me.. 

But it was also true.. 

Why? 

Why wouldn’t I tell my daughter she was beautiful? 

Well… This world is so hung up on our girls BEING beautiful.. That I wanted to emphasize everything that was below the surface with my girl.. Her intelligence.. Her kindness.. Her empathic heart.. Her natural leadership .. Her imagination… 

I wanted her to like who she WAS on the inside no matter what her outside looked like.. 

I was too intent on keeping her confident, humble and successful… And kind..

But in that moment I knew I had failed.. 

Every child likes to feel cherished by their mother.. And I had not given that need a thought.. 

So with tears in my heart (and in my eyes), I told her I thought she was the most beautiful girl .. And that I also thought she was beautiful for the girl she IS on the inside.. I explained that I hadn’t told her she was beautiful because I didn’t want her to think Beauty was the most important thing.. 

I told her I made a mistake.. That I should have told her both.. 

And then I hugged that beautiful girl to me.. 

I don’t know why God trusted me with this strong willed, stubborn, beautiful girl to raise.. 


But what a Blessing that He did… 

Life, Parenting, Special Needs, Uncategorized

Just wait and see.. 

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I have often been asked what I have planned for my son’s future. I always smile and reply “He wants to be a farmer..”

Most of the time people smile in return .. 

But sometimes there is an awkward silence and the inevitable.. “Do you really think he will be able to work? To hold down a real job?”

Yes.. 

Yes I do! 

And no I am not offended by this question.. 

You see? While my son has Autism (and a splash of bipolar).. His disabilities don’t own him. Simon is his own person and he knows what he wants.. He has known since he was 4. 

You may think Simon grew up in a farming community and THAT is why he wants to be a farmer. That he knows no difference.. Well THERE you would be mistaken. Our Simon grew up in a city from age 3 to 13.. 

Yup his love for farming seems to have been destined for him. 

So what did his father and I do? Well? We moved to a farming community back home in Michigan. 

Most people question our Sy’s ability to hold down a job because of his behaviors at school.. Freezing in doorways, anxiety over homework, refusals to take tests at times.. And wanting to go home. 

But you see? At school? 

At school, Simon knows he is behind his peers.. School work is hard… He doesn’t understand test questions because of the wording.. And sometimes (even IF he did understand them) he doesn’t know what they are asking.. He KNOWS he is built inadequate for school.. 

And YET? 

Yet you will see Simon get up every day and force himself to try to go to school. He can be close to tears in frustration over homework.. And yet he is one to INSIST he finish.. He pushes through anxiety, confusion and what ever distractions are around him (or distractions going on in his own head) to SUCCESS on the other side. 

That sounds like a job to me… 

At home, Simon is different. At home he is confident, creative, helpful.. He washes his own laundry, washes dishes, cooks whole meals, cleans the house, does chores, builds with his dad.. 

He does an amazing job!!

Not “pretty amazing” for a kid with autism.. 

JUST pretty amazing for a 17 year old.. Because he does it exactly the way I do.. (Or the way his dad does).. Exactly the way he was taught.. 

Then? Then he adds a slash of creativity.

This week, I woke my son to face another hard day at school. As I rubbed his back and talked about his day.. I told him I was going to teach him to drive our lawn mower after school. 

He sat straight up in bed and wiped the sleep from his eyes. “What did you say?” 

Smiling, I repeated that I thought he was old enough to learn to drive the lawn tractor to mow the lawn. 

The smile on his face made my heart happy..

He quickly got ready for his day.. Was still a little grumpy with his sister.. But went to school easily.. 

AFTER school? Well after school he quickly changed into his farmer hat and overalls, his John Deere shirt with long sleeves and farmer boots.. 

And our lessons began.. 

I admit I get nervous with vehicles.. The same nervousness I got when I taught my daughter to drive .. 

I ran from one side of the lawn mower to the other .. Pointing out how FAR the mower deck sticks out.. How to slow down.. How to stop.. How to speed up a little.. How to crank the wheel so you don’t crash.. 

The first 5 mins were nerve racking for me.. Because he learns best by doing.. So at a snail’s pace and yelling over the motor and earplugs.. I gave him on-the-go lessons.. 

And then he was off.. One circle around the yard and I moved the mower one notch faster.. He watched how I did that too… 

He looked for cars when he circled up into the road.. Kept the mower in a straight line.. He mowed next to the first stripe perfectly (or circled back to fix it.. Mowed around baby trees and big trees.. Power poles and ditches.. 

By the 3rd circle of the yard, I stopped following him.. He no longer needed me. 

After 4 hours? He was up to full speed (by his own choice) and the yard was flawless.. 


Not “pretty good” for a boy with autism..

Not “pretty good” for his first time.. 

It was pretty awesome.. No missed spots.. Straight lines..

 In fact?  My husband said he had to weed whack far less than when I mow.. 

I am not offended by that.. Just really proud.. 

But I am not surprised.. He always throws himself into his work.. And doesn’t stop until the work is done.. And done well.. 

We could use more workers like that in the world.. 

So YES… I think Simon will keep a job and support himself.. 

And yes, he will need support to start new adventures and to get through difficult situations.. Like doctor offices.. paperwork.. And paying bills.. 

But he will make it.. And it’s going to be amazing.. 

Not amazing for a kid with Autism..

Just plain amazing ..

But you don’t have to take my word for it.. Stick around .. 

…wait and you will see it for yourself.. 

Life, Memories, Parenting, Special Needs

Make a mark.. 

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  Once upon a time.. I bought a marker board to keep myself organized.. With 2 kids and an exchange daughter.. (2 of which were super busy all the time)..? 

YUP.. Our house was crazy busy.. 

So I found this marker board with slots for the days of the week.. It was perfect!!

..or so I thought.. 

You see.. After the first week of being organized? I started to slack off.. Just listing general activities.. 

Then slipped to weekly routines..

And then?

Ha.. Then names and messages started showing up. My exchange daughter signed her name.. And then her friend followed suit.. Then my niece added her signature (so I’d have it when she was famous).. 

Pretty soon? 

YUP.. Pretty soon there was no room left for a schedule.. In fact the schedule was erased .. 

When my exchange daughter flew home to Italy.. We couldn’t bear to erase the board.. Not one word.. 

Pinned underneath was a note from our very first exchange daughter..  All our pieces of heart.. All in one place..

 When our next exchange daughter signed her name to the board I smiled.. They all made their marks on our hearts.. so why NOT show it on our refrigerator too.. 

I think we all live our lives that way.. Wanting to make a mark on the world.. A mark SO IMPRESSIVE that no one will want to erase it.. 

A long time ago, I started out with grand ideas on how to do just that.. How to make my mark on the world. 

But then my life changed ..

My kids were born.. 

My youngest was born with Autism (and a splash of mood disorders).. So my career plans came to a halt.. And then a detour.. 

..my dreams of making a mark are still there.. 

But lately? Lately, I have been helping my daughter get ready for college.. And listening to my exchange daughters get ready for their exams.. 

ALL of them ready to make their mark on the world.. 

But the one you don’t see easily is my boy.. 

Behind the Autism.. And the smiles.. the quirks.. And the laughter.. Inside that boy lives a dream.. To be a farmer.. To get married .. To be a father.. To travel to Alaska and Egypt .. 

He EVEN has a checklist in his room.. complete with ages next to each goal.. 

You see? Even though his days are sometimes filled with anxiety and frustrations? Sometimes with more stumbles than successes? 

He WANTS to make his mark on the world.. A mark SO beautiful that NO ONE will want to erase it.. 

So my “mark” will wait.. While I help my kids make theirs.. 

Parenting, Special Needs, Uncategorized

We got by.. 

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Yesterday was a long day for My Simon.. We jam packed every minute full.. And he had to get through his whole day at school knowing what he had “endure”… But after getting through his school day (albeit loudly)… And was somewhat patient through my Audition workshop after school.. I watched him walk independently into his trombone lessons with a new instructor.. And he rocked it.. 
I know some of you are probably thinking ..”ok?!? My kid does that everyday..” And that makes me happy.. I love to see kids be successful whether it comes easy for them or if it’s more of a struggle.. But for my boy? He struggled to learn even basic skills like talking.. Doors were always a struggle to walk through.. But he was drawing by age 18 months.. He could write the whole alphabet .. But not utter a word.. So yes! We celebrate every success..

This morning I have been thinking back to my early years as Simon’s mom.. When it felt like it was me and Sy against the world.. When I could see my boy so clearly at home (when it was just us).. Only to watch how he would disappear when we walked through the doors to go into the outside world… 

This song that the Johnny Orr Band sings (We’ll get By).. Makes me tear up for 2 reasons.. First because I remember that feeling.. Being close to tears of frustration SO often but knowing that we were going to make it. Secondly? Because we have gotten by.. And we have come so far. 

Simon has come so far from the boy who needed to be held in public because the stimulation made him bury his face into my shoulder.. Watching him walk through a “door”.. into a room with a new person.. and being successful at showing his skill with his trombone?? Yup.. we’ve gotten by.. 

  
But before you tell me how great of a mother I am.. His success isn’t mine.. God has always put some of the best people into Simon’s life (and mine).. People who help challenge him and support him.. But mostly? Mostly.. Simon is one of the strongest people I know.. He holds himself to such high standards and pushes himself forward when I am tempted to let him have a “break”.. 

So while I have shed so many tears of frustration .. while trying “to get by”.. I wouldn’t have traded a single one.. I love the son I was Blessed with.. 

Life, Uncategorized

all is well.. 

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This is the last hour of my vacation.. And I am sitting here thinking about what this time meant for me and my kids.. 
… 3 years ago we had lived so far from family that we spent every moment of our vacations with our extended family and cousins.. Enjoying our time.. When we moved home.. It was so great to see everyone so often, that the tradition continued .. 

This week, we took our first small family vacation.. Taking our Grandpa  will us too.. We spent so much time together bonding and laughing.. it felt amazing. It was good for my kids to only have each other to interact with.. It was so good for both of them.. 

But it was also good for me..

For the first time in forever? I had no responsibilities.. Nothing to do.. No job or tasks.. And no other souls to tend to.. Just mine .. just my kids.. And it felt really good.. 

So as I sit here drinking my coffee.. with my less than delicious soy creamer.. I realize that resting is so good for the soul… 

I know .. I know.. You are thinking that Disney world and resting don’t go hand in hand.. Crazy crowds.. crazy rides.. Crazy agendas.. It doesn’t sound like resting.. But for me it was 

 .. There was nothing to clean, nothing to fix, nothing to organize .. No driving.. No multitasking. We did walk almost 100 miles over 5 days.. And we were all tired at the end of the day .. But it felt so good…

.. so resting the soul is good.. And I need to schedule it in again.. Sooner than 15 years this time.. 

Parenting, Special Needs

Stay on the Path…

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Sometimes I look back at some of my blogs and re-read them.. A friend of mine was talking about how much my “Stay on the Path” blog touched her.. 

So?? 

I opened it up and re-read it..

At the time I wrote it.. I had been only think about the aspects of being a mother of a child with special needs. But today? Today I realize it could count for any number of my struggles in life..

And lately my path has been really icy..

Stay on the Path…. (For anyone who hasn’t read it)

Life, Parenting, Special Needs

It’s a Spring thing… understand?!?

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I have a son who has special needs… He has autism with a touch of bipolar. As a parent? That can be tough on a day to day basis.. or it can be easy.. depending on the day… and Honestly? Honestly it depends on the season. Summer is the easiest for us…  .. but Please don’t think my son is the norm for all kids with Autism… 

There is a very accurate statement out there.

If you know one person with Autism? Then .. you know ONE person with Autism.. 

Every child with Autism is an individual.. every child with Autism has their challenges.. every child with Autism has their super powers…. Every child with or without Autism.. is a child… first and foremost.

But in our little crazy household? 

Summer time is the easy season to parent. So much to do.. free time to explore. 

Fall and Winter come with their mood challenges… 

But Spring?

Spring is a challenging time for our family… The longer days… the warmer temps… the increased activities… These all increase the serotonin levels flowing through all of our veins… but for a child with a mood disorder? It wrecks havoc on the delicate balance in the system.  For us it means increased happiness.. increased agitation.. increased activity.. increased anxiety.. increased frustration… increased laughter.. increased tears.. and sometimes… increased aggression.

I say sometimes…

There were years that all I could remember was the aggression.. because it is devastating… Can you imagine anything more devastating than your child hurting another person? Can you imagine anything more devastating than your child feeling so “in danger” that they lash out to protect themselves? Can you imagine anything more devastating than your child feeling so OUT of CONTROL that they punch themselves in the head to relieve the “pressure”?

All of these things threaten to overwhelm me in the Spring…

But I am Blessed… My husband has always provided a stable platform for me and our two children. Because of this, I have been able to have careers flexible enough to care for our son. Flexible enough that I can be home for him when this Spring thing happens.

With my husband’s support.. constant prayer … and the wonderful people God has placed in my son’s life?? We survive every spring.. Every year we grow a little stronger and mature (my son and I both)…

My son has grown so much.. in fact… that this spring? When the flowers bloomed.. I was able to do some things I enjoy in the spring.. Like taking walks and reading books… and sewing prom dresses.

So someday soon… I hope to rewrite this spring thing…

Life

50 firsts…

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Someone once asked me what it was like to live with special needs.. Not just special needs really.. But with Autism (and a side of bipolar).. At the time I couldn’t really answer..

I mean.. With autism you know what you get.. Overload.. Anxiety.. Obsession.. meltdowns..

But add Bipolar? Then you add unpredictability.. When you get home? You don’t know if you have a child with a good mood or anger.. Or tears. When your son comes out of his room? You don’t know if you will have cooperation or frustration..

Honestly?

Honestly I can’t tell you if I will see my Son.. his autism.. OR his bipolar… from one minute to the next .. Especially in the spring months..

So to the question? I simply said, “It’s a roller coaster ride.. But it’s worth it.”

And that IS the truth ..

Tonight I watched a movie with my girls called “50 first dates”.. It was really cute .. a little crude in places (yes I am very old-fashioned.. I don’t like crude jokes).. But still cute.. And worth the watch..

For anyone not familiar.. 50 first dates is about a young lady who is in an accident that results in a brain injury. Because of the injury, she cannot create new memories .. So everyday her dad and brother recreate the last day she remembers. Over and over and over again.. When she meets a new guy, he has to help her fall in love with him over and over again.. every day.. Like EVERY day.. Eventually they develop a system.. They create a video of flashbacks since the accident.. Events.. Dates.. And eventually their wedding… And the young lady writes her thoughts in a journal.. A list of things she doesn’t want to forget.. Important things ..

Then she goes to sleep and wakes up refreshed.. And starts each day over again.. Remembering nothing .. Then she watches the video and reads her notes .. EVERY day ..

At the end of the movie? When we saw that she had to be reminded of her child that she couldn’t remember. As the credits began to roll, my daughter said.. “What a terrible way to live”..

But what if she never progressed beyond that accident.. What if she never stopped living that day over and over? What if she never lived ANYTHING NEW beyond that day?

That would be terrible indeed..

But to have flashback videos and hand written notes every morning.. To catch her up to ? To remind her she is married? To remind her she has a baby?

To be living that married life?

To be a mom?

That is being Blessed!

Being a mom to a young man with autism? Living with a loved one with Bipolar? It is very similar to “50 firsts”..

Every morning I wake up.. And I watch a flash back of important moments in our lives.. Important break throughs.. Flash through my mind.. Every day while I drink my chai? I read through the notes I have made through the years.. Only the important ones..

And then I set forth!

I set forth to make new Memories.. New important events.. I deal with each event as they occur.. Living in the moment! Never bringing the past into play.. Not remembering the mistakes from the day before. Unlike the movie? These choices are voluntary.. To choose to forget the bad.. to forget the mistakes..

THEN? Then I record those moments in my mind.. Sometimes I even write important information down..

Some days are good.. And just like movie? Yup.. Some days are a disaster.

And just like the movie? Sometimes the days are so bad that I cry myself to sleep at night ..

Then every night ? I sleep and the stress washes away. I wake up each new day ready to conquer some new activities.. With my flash backs and handwritten notes.

And we celebrate every “first” that comes along.. His first 2 word sentence at 5, his first full night sleep at 6.. His first solo cooked meal.. His first time walking to class on his own..  The first test taken by himself.. The first time he stayed home alone..

Ok.. You are right! There are WAY more than 50 “firsts” in our life.  But we celebrate each one…

I know that some people look at my son’s life .. At MY life.. and they think, “What a terrible way to live”..

But to me?

To me a world without my son in it? A world without 50 OR 100 “firsts” being celebrated?

What a terrible way to live…